Every week the Author invites a celebrated guest to interview him about his work as he strives for literary success.
This week: Uncle Sam wants some advice…
US: Thank you for agreeing to this interview today, Mark.
Author: That’s alright Uncle Sam, it’s a pleasure. I was expecting you before this. What’s been happening?
US: I know, I’m sorry. But there’s been a new crisis every week. We need to talk about Donald. I’m not sure how to deal with it to be honest. And I don’t need any more advisors! We’ve known each other a long time and thrown a few punches together. Good old Uncle Sam and Aunt Blighty, eh! Boom!
Author: Yes, we’ve certainly managed to kill a lot of people together over the years. Why don’t we talk about it later, off the record?
US: No time Mark. By the time we finish this interview, Donald will probably have upset another of the neighbours or set fire to his own trousers or something.
Author: Yes, I’d heard about some of his antics.
US: Exactly. This Donald thing is troubling. I’m at my wits end, Mark. I’m worried that he won’t have any friends left the way he’s carrying on. And people are starting to point at me at parents evening and get angry – especially after the school trip to France.
Author: Oh yes, little Theresa mentioned it. They were getting on so well when you had Theresa over for tea. When we saw the two of them holding hands in the garden, we thought they might form a nice relationship. That she would calm him down a bit? But at the time, we didn’t know Donald as well as you do at home. We had no idea he was so…well…disturbed. I think Theresa’s still keen on seeing him - but only with other people in the room.
US: Yes, most people are like that now – especially women. It’s all come as a bit of a shock to us.
Author: A shock?
US: We thought he would start taking his studies seriously now that he’d moved up to the top grade. His geography and politics have been catastrophically poor. I don’t think he knows where any countries are unless they’re near Russia.
Author: Ah, yes. It’s difficult to stop them mixing with the wrong sort. Does he see much of Vladimir still?
US: Not anymore. At least that’s what he says. I’ve asked him hundreds of times about whether he’s been helping Vladimir and his friends to steal money from their parents but he denies it. The police are looking into it now. What can you do?
Author: Well, as a parent, you have to take responsibility for a big part of who he is.
US: Me? What have I done? We’ve given that boy everything. He’s been spoilt.
Author: Maybe that’s the problem Uncle Sam.
US: I’m not with you…are you saying I’m a bad parent?
Author: I’m just saying that you’ve let him get away with things.
US: Such as?
Author: Well the pussy grabbing for a start. What does that tell you about Donald?
US: That’s just his sense of humour when he’s hanging around with boys. Bill was no different.
Author: That’s my point. Anyone can get their way with you if they have enough money.
US: It was nothing to do with money, it was light-hearted locker room banter. It’s what fame brings to the table. It’s like a big party.
Author: More like pigs around a trough.
US: That’s a bit rude. If you can’t…
Author: It’s all about money with you. Everything you do and say is about money.
US: Donald has made a great success of his life. He might have a crippling debt with that nice Mr Deutsche but he’s certainly got a few dollars in the bank. I admire that about him.
Author: This is what I mean. You turn a blind eye. Look what happened with Donald and the black lad. You let Donald get away with accusing him of being born outside the US.
US: Just a bit of playground banter. Barack continually implied that Donald was a bullshitter who was obsessed with conspiracy theories pedalled by white supremacists…
Author: What? Why are you looking at me like that? What do you want me to say to that?
US: I admit…he does seem to use…divisive rhetoric at times.
Author: And you let him get away with it.
US: Why are you having a go at me? I thought we were talking about Donald?
Author: Because it’s you that’s made him the way he is.
US: I can’t be held entirely responsible. I thought that was the school’s job?
Author: So did I. Isn’t that why you have teachers in place in a system devised by Abe? To maintain the legitimacy of what Donald is doing - and ensure that the duty of office is executed in a responsible way…to uphold the values of democracy for all Americans regardless of race and gender. Except that…
US: Calm down. You’re in no position to lecture me. What about…
Author: I haven’t finished yet. Except that elected individuals of the GOP are so self-obsessed with their own needs, ie, making money from tax reductions, that they’ve got their collective heads stuck up their collective arses instead of putting the country first. Trickle-down economics doesn’t work. Look what happened to the world in 2007 when my little Gordon let banks do what they want. And we’re still paying for that fuck-up as we speak.
US: No need to be rude Mark. It’s not about money according to my Donald. He told me it was about jobs and I believed him. And those coal miners need their jobs back. That’s why I trusted him.
Author: Coal? Are you having a fucking laugh? Nobody’s talking about coal anymore. It’s a lie and you fell for it. The world’s looking at electric cars and renewable energy. Clean air. That’s where the jobs will be. Fossil fuels are over - and you’re letting Donald and his mates piss in the pond to make a few quick bucks before they sling him out. All the other kids will just play ball without him. He’ll be alone in the playground kicking lumps of coal about in front of an imaginary crowd. Is that what you want?
US: I think you should calm down a bit Mark. If you’re just going to…
Author: Calm down?! Calm fucking down?! You’ve put a fucking game show host in charge of a nuclear fucking arsenal. It’s like us putting Bruce Forsyth, God rest his soul, in charge of NATO. Or Nicolas Parsons in charge of the Bank of England for fuck’s sake.
US: Who’s Nicolas Parsons?
Author: He’s a…it doesn’t matter. The point is…err…now I’ve forgotten my point.
US: That’s the trouble with you writer types. You sit there writing a load of blah, blah, blah until you’re all red and flustered. I don’t see you lot out there on the frontline of politics. It’s a tough world out there Mark and my little Donald is trying his best. He might be a cunt but he’s our cunt, as the saying goes.
Author: Writer types? You mean the ‘Free Press’?
US: Donald says it’s all fake news. I don’t know what to believe anymore.
Author: That’s just his fragile temperament and stratospheric ego verging on despotism. Writing about politicians reminds them that what they do and say needs scrutinising - and therefore thinking about before they open their big mouths. Or Twitter feed. We value the British press integrity here and you should value yours. It’s one of the cornerstones of…
US: “Freddie Starr ate my hamster”. Is that what you’re referring to?
Author: That was just sensationalism. We have a strong investigative ethos to expose criminality or misuse of public office.
US: Such as illegal phone tapping by newspapers?
Author: It’s more about getting to the truth.
US: Ah, yes - “The Truth”. Great front page for Hillsborough. The police and the press working as a team.
Author: Look Uncle Sam, I don’t want us to fall out over Donald. Why don’t we…
US: Hang on Mark, I think it’s little Donald on the line. I need to take this call…
Author: Uncle Sam, nooooo!!! Put that red button down…
Next week: Jeffrey Archer tries to get things moving…