The Friday Interview with Vinnie Jones...

July 4, 2017

Every week the Author invites a celebrated guest to interview him about his work as he strives for literary success.

 

This week: Vinnie Jones wants a piece of the action…

 

VJ: Thank you for agreeing to this interview today, Mark.

Author: Theww pleawthers erw mung Vernny…

VJ: I’m sorry Mark, I didn’t quite catch that.

Author: Theww pleawthers erw mung Vernny…

VJ: No, you’re still not getting it you fucking little toe rag. I’ll start on your bollocks next if you don’t start showing me some respect. Now then. I’m going to let you go in a second. Nod your head if you understand. Good. Don’t try any funny stuff or I’ll slam your fucking head in the fridge door. Got that?

Author: Yeurf…

VJ: What did I just say to you? Just nod your fucking head, you moron. Good. And don’t try and bite me when I let go of your face…why are you nodding? Are you saying you’re going to try and bite me?

Author: Neuw!

VJ: Well shake your fucking head then! Don’t nod when you should be shaking, you twat. That’s how people get hurt in my interviews. I’m going to ask you one last time. Are you going to try and bite me when I let go of your face? Good. That’s better. I think you’re finally getting it. Right, I’m letting you go now…

Author: Thanks Vinnie but please don’t do that. And I promise not to try any “funny stuff” as you call it.

VJ: Good. I'm glad about that, Mark. It'll help me relax a little bit. So let’s get down to the nitty gritty. I like to get straight to the point. You know why I’m here, don’t you…

Author: Yes, to do the interview. What’s your…

VJ: No! I’m not here to do the fucking interview! I’ve read most of your books on the way here. Absolute pile of bollocks. It makes me want to slam your head in the fridge door three or four times just to wake you up a bit. Now stop poncing about with this interview crap and give me the job. I’m not here to negotiate son. Especially with a cuntish little writer like you.

Author: I’m sorry Vinnie, I’m not with you. What are you talking about? What joerbph? Vernny…Pleuth lerr muirh gerr…

VJ: I’ll let you go if you stop trying to mug me off! You know very well what job. In the film about these fucking books. And don’t try and bullshit me. I’ve spoken with Mo Farrar. He reckons he’s got a gig as a fucking squirrel. When I let you go, I want you to think before you open your mouth. You’ve had your last warning. Next time is “fridge time”. Got it?

Author: Yeurf…

VJ: Good lad. Now I want to talk about the Adams brothers. I wanna play Mick Adams. That’s the job for me. Bring a bit of the Hollywoods to it - so don’t try palming me off with a fucking squirrel. Capiche?

Author: I think you’re…

VJ: Yes...?

Author: Okay…the job’s yours Vinnie. You can play Mick Adams. Shall we talk about the role?

VJ: You see? All you need to do is treat me with a bit of respect. Now then. I think I’ve read bits of book one. I didn’t look at the cover. The Adams brothers turn up at the end and there’s a shooting - but it needs finessing. You could’ve added a car chase or a proper shootout. I can bring my own shotguns if you like?

Author: It’s not that kind of story Vin. The Adams brothers were a catalyst for the plot. It’s the point where things escalate and choices are made by Ingoldsby and Matthew.

VJ: Yeah, yeah, I get all that - but I was expecting a bit more from the Adams boys in the other book. What happened to them?

Author: They will come back for the final book. There’ll be other characters who will also make a reappearance for the final showdown. Book three will be about conflict and how allegiances become inevitable as a singular outcome begins to develop - and Resolution becomes a likely political reality.

VJ: What the fuck are you on about, you cunt? All I asked was ‘what happened to the Adams boys’. If I want to know about politics I’ll ask a fucking politician - not some poncey-mouthed little scribbler.

Author: I was just…

VJ: Talking bollocks as usual. Now let’s get back to the job requirements. Will there be any guns in book three?

Author: Err…Yeeeaaargh!! Yes!

VJ: Good. I’m going to keep hanging on to your left bollock for a bit of encouragement - so be a good boy. Next question. I like jobs with guns, cars and slamming people’s heads in doors. You won’t get anywhere without it, trust me son.

Author: That’s not a quest…Yeeeaaargh!!

VJ: I haven’t got to the fucking question yet, you little toe rag. My question is quite simple. I can put up with no car chases. I’m willing to concede on that one because I’m a reasonable man. My main question is…will there be any slamming of heads in doors. Doesn’t need to be a car door. It…

Author: I could…Yeeeaaargh!!

VJ: I haven’t fucking finished. I was thinking aloud. Definitely not a cupboard door. That’s not going to do any damage is it? I think the bare minimum would need to be a front door. One of those big, heavy double-glazed ones…Well say something then. Cat got your tongue?

Author: Something like that. Okay Vinnie, consider it done. I’ll write a scene especially for…Yeeeaaargh!!

VJ: A scene? A fucking scene? I want heads being slammed in doors throughout the whole film. That’s what I can bring to the story. None of this “method acting” bollocks. It’s what sells Mark. You won’t get anywhere unless you give people what they want….guns, cars and heads being slammed in doors. Trust me, it’ll fly. You’ll be rolling in it.

Author: Okay, I’ll fill book three with heads being slammed in doors.

VJ: You don’t need to get carried away or you’ll lose the ambience of it. The “je ne sais quoi” that takes it to another level.

Author: I’m not sure that your use of the word “ambience” is…Yeeeaaargh!!

VJ: You just can’t fucking help yourself, can you? You need to start listening to successful people not sitting about pedalling a load of words. Nobody got anywhere with words - it’s all about action son. Action! Now where were we?

Author: You’re right Vinnie. I’m going to take your advice and do it all like you say. Can we end the interview now please, I’m beginning to ache a bit.

VJ: In a second. I’ve had a thought. It doesn’t have to be a door and it doesn’t have to be a head.

Author: I’m not with you Vin.

VJ: It could be bollocks…

Author: Bollocks?

VJ: Yes. It could be someone’s bollocks…and something with a lid…

Author: Vinnie! Noooo!! Put that teapot down…

 

 

Next week: Uncle Sam is over here to talk about a problem with one of his children…

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Amazon review...

A perfect blend of normal and fantasy!!! Myth and magic!!! Characters are so believable. Found it hard to put down

© 2016 by Mark Fisher