Every week the Author invites a celebrated guest to interview him about his work as he strives for literary success.
This week: Jimmy Page wants to talk about Mary…
JP: Thank you for agreeing to this interview today, Mark.
Author: The pleasure’s all mine Jimmy. I can’t believe it’s really you - I was expecting Keith Chegwin.
JP: Keith’s been…waylaid. He’s not feeling himself.
Author: Oh dear, is he ill?
JP: Almost. He certainly will be shortly. Now why don’t you get up off your knees and talk to me properly, Mark. We’ve got a lot to get through and your fawning is, well, disconcerting.
Author: I’m sorry Jimmy. It’s just that seeing you in the flesh, you know, meeting you in real life, is…
JP: Real? This is not fucking real Mark. This one of your little lucid dreams that spawned these books. You’re dabbling in a world that you know nothing about.
Author: Oh. Is it? I’m pretty sure this is real.
JP: That’s the problem with you lyricists. You spout off about stuff that people can’t understand. Had the same problem with Robert. I mean, what the fuck is Stairway to Heaven about? I write a fabulous track and that cunt starts gibbering on about hedgerows and fucking goblins.
Author: There aren’t any goblins in Stairway to…
JP: What the fuck would you know about Stairway to fucking Heaven? You’re doing it again. Just like him.
Author: Doing what?
JP: Lecturing and talking bollocks about stuff you don’t understand. I wrote the fucker and you’re telling me there’s no goblins in Stairway to Heaven?
Author: You seem a bit angry, Jimmy. Why don’t we get on with the interview?
JP: Yes, I’m sorry. Words make me angry but notes make me happy. The world should talk in riffs not words. I fucking hate words and the people that write them.
JP: All I want to do is to get the Zeppelin back together. John Paul wants it, Baby Bonham wants it - and the world definitely wants it. Everyone except that fucking wordsmith Plant.
Author: I think we should change the subject. What are you doing…?
JP: I’m changing into my magickal stage costume. Just give me a minute.
Author: I’m quite happy if you want to go at any time. You seem a bit…
JP: What’s your problem lyric boy? One minute you’re on your knees like some thankful groupie and now you want me to go home.
Author: I wasn’t saying that. What I meant…
JP: I know exactly what you meant. Now zip me up and let’s get this interview going.
Author: I think you can do up your own flies.
JP: Sorry, force of habit. Did I tell you about the time that…
Author: Let’s just get on with the interview shall we, Jimmy.
JP: Okay, chill out man. I’m good to go now. Right. Aleister wants to know about the dream sequences.
JP: Crowley. He wants to know about Mary as well.
Author: Crowley? Aleister Crowley?
JP: Yes, we’ve reformed our relationship since these bloody books of yours stirred things up again.
Author: Errm…okay, whatever…
JP: And you can take that sarcastic fucking look off your face. You don’t have any idea what you’re getting into here. This is occult shit – not that rhyming, lyricy, wordy bollocks.
Author: What in particular did…Aleister…want to know about Mary?
JP: He needs something to use against her? And against the Major.
Author: What are you talking about Jimmy?
JP: You know exactly what I’m talking about. In Further Beyond the Pinkerton Road. Mary Ann South. Bury House in Gosport. Major Ingoldsby. The dream sequence on the mountain. Aleister is struggling against someone of Mary’s intellect. He wants you to make her less intelligent – but keep the erotic stuff of course.
Author: Jimmy, I think you’re getting confused with what’s real and what’s…
JP: Don’t fob us off with lyricy twaddle. You’re worse than Plant.
Author: Us? What are you on about?
JP: Aleister speaks through me
Author: Oh lordy. Look Jimmy, no offence…
Author: This is getting…well…weird.
JP: It’s not weird, Mark. We just need to know how to deal with Mary. She always seems one step ahead of everyone else. It’s the diaries.
Author: The diaries?
JP: Yes, clever girl. It means that Mary is manipulating the past by using the present. And we’ve got the Major on our tail. We will find the boy, you know that don’t you…
Author: I’m the author. I decide what happens in my books. The key parts come to me in my dreams. I already know what the outcome is. The story is already mapped out. I know where the characters will end their individual journeys.
JP: Yes, we know. That’s why I’m here. We want you to change things. Just like you do in the dream sequence on the mountain.
Author: Look, you’re losing me now. This is seriously weird.
JP: This is a dream, Mark. We’re on the Astral Plane. Boleskine House will prevail over Bury House. I’m here to help make sure that happens. But we need you to weaken Mary.
Author: Actually…as we’re speaking Jimmy, that’s an interesting concept. I used Bury House but hadn’t thought about Boleskine House as a counter-force. Is it still in existence?
JP: No. Aleister was upset at me selling it and we’ve argued about it for years. I was on the verge of buying it back - until you started this nonsense with Mary and the Ingoldsbys. We know it was Ingoldsby who burned it down in 2015.
Author: Hang on, Jimmy….I’m just making notes here….how did you come to own Crowley’s old place the first time?
JP: It was in 1970. Not long after that Major Grant fella shot himself in Aleister’s old bedroom…
Author: Interesting…let me just get that down. And neither of you were involved in the fire in 2015?
JP: Definitely not. Certainly not that one, no.
Author: There was another one?
JP: That was Aleister. Nothing to do with me. I didn’t…
Author: Just a sec, I’m still writing. Okay. Carry on. Tell me more about this other fire.
JP: It was a 10th century Kirk, or church. It was on the site before there was house there. Aleister wanted somewhere that suited his needs – something that would provide a presence. So he burned the Kirk with all the congregation inside. When the house was built in later centuries, he bought it. Simples.
Author: How did he do that?
JP: You know exactly how he did it.
Author: Using the book? The book of Aiwass?
Author: This is really good stuff Jimmy. But I’m not sure about weakening Mary. I don’t think that would be possible.
JP: What about Bury House then? You went there recently, didn’t you?
Author: Yes, I was invited in for a look round. And to write there whenever I wanted - to get some inspiration and feel into the final book.
JP: Did you see the symbol? Is it still there?
Author: You mean the eight-pointed star?
JP: Yes, that’s it. Where is it located?
Author: Where Mary put it. On the stairs.
JP: We want you to remove it.
Author: Jimmy, what are you talking about? Why would I want to do that? Anyway, it’s a listed building.
JP: Where is it exactly?
Author: On the first little landing. It was discovered under the old layers of carpet and flooring. Where are you going Jimmy?
JP: Sorry…I’ve got to go. You can wake up now…
Author: Jimmy! Put that chainsaw down…
Next week: Vinnie Jones wants a piece of the action…