Every week the Author invites a celebrated guest to interview him about his work as he strives for literary success.
This week: The Prime Minister is back to talk about Victorian values…
PM: Thank you for agreeing to this interview today Mark.
Author: That’s okay Prime Minister, I wasn’t expecting to see you again so soon.
PM: What are you saying? Are you being sarcastic?
Author: No, no, of course not. I just meant it was a surprise to see you back here.
PM: Yes, it was a bit of a surprise for me and Arlene as well Mark, I can tell you.
Author: I can very well believe that Prime Minister.
PM: Can I just ask you a quick question before we start?
Author: Absolutely. But we do need to be mindful of the time.
PM: Do you think this skirt’s a bit long?
Author: I must admit it that I’m quite relieved to see a good length this time.
PM: A good length? Is that some kind of fruity writer-speak? Say it again…much slower this time.
Author: I’d rather not Prime Minister. Can we get on please?
PM: Well it’s quite relevant to this interview Mark.
Author: Oh, is it?
PM: Last time we spoke, we talked about drugs didn’t we. That was bad enough. What concerns me the most is the…fruitiness…that’s suddenly appeared in Further Beyond the Pinkerton Road. I wasn’t expecting that.
Author: It’s relevant to the characters. Especially Nikki Jones who is on her own voyage of discovery about herself. She’s breaking free from her own self-imposed shackles. It’s a theme in the series.
PM: Shackles? That sounds fruity. Tell me about the shackles.
Author: I think we’re getting distracted here, Prime Minister. Why don’t we press on with the questions?
PM: What Arlene was most…
PM: Yes, Arlene. She wears the trousers now, so to speak.
Author: Oh yes, off course, the election.
PM: I’ve been forced into bed with the DUP.
Author: So I hear.
PM: It’s not what you think Mark. I know what your dirty little writer’s mind is thinking but it’s not like that. They don’t approve of…that sort of thing. It’s like Morecombe & Wise.
Author: I’m sorry?
PM: You must know Morecombe & Wise. You know. Where they get in bed together and read books. But they’re not, you know…
Author: Not what?
PM: Well, fruity.
Author: Oh…I see what you’re getting at.
PM: We just check all the books for fruity bits. And I want to be absolutely clear on this issue. We both wear jim-jams. Arlene doesn’t like nudity or fruitiness between ladies. That’s why we have to check the books as part of the deal. We are returning the country to Victorian values.
Author: I think we’re getting side-tracked here Prime Minister. Shall we…
PM: This is important, Mark. And it forms part of my next question. As I’ve just said, we are creating a programme to reintroduce Victorian values.
Author: What like poverty, child labour and workhouses?
PM: Don’t be facetious Mark. You know exactly what I mean. Which brings me onto an issue that I’m not happy with. I see that you’ve introduced this Victorian lady, Mary Ann South in Further Beyond the Pinkerton Road. Arlene and I found one particular scene far too erotic. She ended up spilling her cocoa all down my top. We read it four times. It was disgusting. How can we expect the country to return to Victorian values if you writer types are making them out to be dirty, filthy little sexpots?
Author: I think you’re getting carried away Prime Minister.
PM: Please. Call me Terry.
Author: Mary is a strong minded woman…Theresa. Very intellectual and very confident in her own skin. I think you should be applauding women like that – especially given the time and the way most women were treated. And she must’ve been sexually confident in her own needs if she was getting involved with the likes of Aleister Crowley in later years.
PM: Yes, but Arlene doesn’t like that sort of thing. She wants to make me do all sorts of things that I’m not happy with. I’ve taken a leaf out of Jeremy’s book. If he can offer money for votes then I can offer money for support - so I’ve and offered her loads and loads of money. But I’m not sure it’s a relationship I want to be in anymore.
Author: If you’ve only just started going to bed with her, why don’t you just say no to her demands? Or just dump her? That’s what we do in the real world - or it can become abusive.
PM: But politics is not the real world is it, you silly little boy. No Mark, I’ve got to see this through for the sake of the country. Those bloody Tories got us into this mess and I’m going to jolly well get us out of it - even if that means getting into bed with Arlene every night.
Author: If you don’t mind me saying Prime Minister, I’m not sure your relationship with Arlene is very healthy. Even if it’s just a bit of Morecombe & Wise-ing over a few books.
PM: Let’s be clear on this. We have to keep in power in order to enact our important policies. I’ve got a mandate from the people. Sort of.
Author: Important policies?
PM: Yes. Like burning filthy books for a start. And opposing laws that allow women to get in bed with each other. Which brings me to another point. This Victorian lady in Further Beyond the Pinkerton Road. I see that she burnt books. That’s the sort of thing Arlene wants - strong Victorian attitudes. We need to burn books in the streets and valleys of Britain as a symbol of our determination to adopt new values. And whatever else Arlene wants.
Author: I think you’ll find that Mary Ann South burnt her own books. In her own garden. She didn’t burn them on the streets of Gosport. And it was probably at the insistence of her father who was castigated by his wider family and society for the content. This was at the precise time that Darwin published his theory of evolution and threw the Victorians into spiritual chaos.
PM: I don’t think Arlene likes Charles Darwin. Please don’t mention that blasphemer in Arlene’s presence. Trust me - she goes crazy. She says it’s all fake news and Darwin's a proper nut-job. She wants to replace it with another book. I can’t remember which one. So it looks like we’ll have to burn Darwin’s books as well.
Author: I really don’t….
PM: It’s a bit chilly in here today.
Author: Chilly? It’s the middle of June, Prime Minister.
PM: I’ve brought lots of your books with me today, as you can see. Do you mind if we have a little fire?
Author: Prime Minister! Nooooo! Put those matches down…
Next week: There’s a surprise guest for our intrepid writer…