Every week the Author invites a celebrated guest to interview him about his work as he strives for literary success.
This week: Uri Geller wants to talk about Truth…
UG: Thank you for agreeing to this interview today, Mark.
Author: That’s okay Uri, it’s a pleasure. Did you say milk and one sugar?
UG: Yes please Mark. That looks great. Before we start, can I have a metal spoon instead of this plastic one please? I don’t like the cosmic vibe of plastic.
Author: Err…we haven’t got any metal ones I’m afraid. Could we start the interview please Uri.
UG: I’m not sure I believe you, Mark. Can I look in the drawer?
Author: No, we haven’t got time Uri. Can we just get on with the interview?
UG: Are those your keys? Could I just hold them while I do the interview?
Author: No you can’t. I’m going to put them…what have you done with my glasses?
UG: It was the cosmic universe channelling through me.
Author: No, you’ve just bent them when I wasn’t looking.
UG: Do you know what your problem is, Mark?
Author: I’d rather answer questions about my books but I’ve a feeling you’re going to tell me anyway. Now please stop touching my metal stuff and get on with the interview please.
UG: You’re a ‘cosmic denier’. You need to open yourself up to a wider truth.
Author: Okay Uri, I’ll do that - now what’s your first question? Time’s getting on.
UG: Right. Okay. We’ll come back to that. First question then, Mark. Your books contain supernatural elements. In both books there are quite dramatic sequences that suggest that they are rooted in dreams. Especially in Further Beyond the Pinkerton Road. Where did that come from?
Author: Good question Uri. I’ve always had strange and unsettling experiences. Some of those have been quite disturbing - especially the “night terrors” that are a recognised form of problem for some people.
UG: What do you mean by that exactly?
Author: All sorts. Sometimes it’s “sleep paralysis” where I wake up but my body is still asleep. Other times it can be somebody climbing over the bed or pulling the covers off me. I’ve even had an experience where I got out of bed to see myself crouched naked in the corner of the room. Or it can take the form of an “out of body” experience where I’ve floated up towards the ceiling and looked down at myself in bed. That was where the wolf…
UG: Is that true Mark? Or are you just making this stuff up for dramatic effect.
Author: You asked me a question and I’ve answered it honestly.
UG: It’s just that you come over as quite cynical about truth and belief.
Author: No…what I suggest is that people should be wary about anyone who tries to sell you a particular notion about either of those things. It’s the motive behind them that is dangerous to people, not any particular truth or belief itself.
UG: Like me, you mean? Is that what you’re inferring?
Author: That’s not what I said. It’s not for me to judge anyone. It’s down to…
UG: Do you want me to bend it like Beckham?
Author: Bend what like Beckham? Uri! Get out of that…
UG: Aha! Just as I thought. Lying as usual. Right, watch this.
Author: Please put my cutlery…what have you done?
UG: You see? I’m a cosmic phenomenon.
Author: Are you going to bend them all back again? That’s the only cutlery I’ve got.
UG: Do you want me to do any watches? I do those as well. Give me your watch.
Author: Please sit down Uri. We’ve got to get this finished soon. Why don’t you ask me another question?
UG: Hmm…okay. Right, got one. There are always animals in your books. Are you a pagan or something?
Author: No, I’m not anything. I’m normal.
UG: Are you suggesting I’m abnormal? Just because Michael Jackson was my friend and things bend when I touch them?
Author: I’m not suggesting anything. This is supposed to be about me, not you. Now please put those keys…oh…great.
UG: I think I may need some rubber gloves. That’s what I do at home to stop stuff bending like Beckham. Have you got any rubber gloves I could wear? Just for the interview.
Author: Under there, in that cupboard. Don’t touch the dishwasher!
UG: Right. That’s better. You can relax now.
Author: Look, this is dragging on a bit. Can we get on with the interview please, Uri?
UG: Right Mark. You were going to say something about a wolf?
Author: Yes. I was looking for a connective element to Matthew that hinted at his connection to the dream world. Like these things sometimes do, it came to me in dream.
UG: Is this more embellishment Mark? You writer types are always bending the truth to suit your stories.
Author: Not at all. I’ve told you that I have strange experiences. One night I woke up about 2am. I felt fully awake. I was aware of something in the bedroom and I could see a dog sniffing around. I thought it was Miley. She’s always shut in the kitchen at night so I thought I must’ve left the door open. She came up to the side of me and I reached out to touch her. She licked my hand and I sat up. What I saw was a white wolf.
UG: Oh shut the fucking door! You’re making this up for entertainment.
Author: No. This is absolutely true. Then I did actually wake up - and when I sat up there was nothing there.
UG: Was anything bent out of shape? You know like Beckham does.
UG: Metal stuff. Was it all bent up by cosmic channelling of the universe?
Author: No Uri. Nothing was bent as far as I’m aware.
UG: So what was the significance for Matthew? I’m lost now.
Author: Because…when I told Jackie about my dream experience, she did some research on it and...
UG: You mean she googled it.
Author: Yes. The white wolf is a Pathfinder.
UG: Anyway enough of this dream nonsense. It’s not very visual is it?
Author: It’s not meant to be. It’s about imagination and immersing yourself in another world.
UG: To be honest Mark, it sounds like bollocks. You won’t make the sort of money me and David are on if you don’t bend something. You need to be a bender like me. Fancy a bit of bending? I’ll show you the ropes.
Author: Err…not really.
UG: Hello…there’s someone at the door.
Author: That’ll be my 96 year old granny returning from her operation.
UG: That’s a coincidence Mark. I can do healing as well.
Author: I don’t think you can heal her now. She’s had metal plates put in both legs.
UG: Trust me, Mark. The cosmic channelling will be life-changing. I just need to touch her legs…
Author: Uri! Nooooooooooo!!...Oh fuck.
Next week: The Prime Minister and the DUP return to an old subject…