Every week, the Author invites a celebrated guest to interview him about his work as he strives for literary success.
This week: The Archbishop of Canterbury wants answers to the big question…
A of C: Thank you for agreeing to this interview today Mark
Author: It’s a pleasure to see you again Justin. What’s on your mind, as they say?
A of C: Please. Call me Archbishop.
Author: Sorry. What’s on your mind Archbishop?
A of C: Actually I think I prefer “Your Grace”.
Author: Oh, okay. Shall we start the interview then, Your Grace?
A of C: Or do you think that sounds a bit pompous?
Author: To be honest with you…Justin…I’m happy to call you anything you like. I’m more interested in your questions.
A of C: What about “Father”? You’re allowed to call me that as well.
Author: No, I don’t like that. I’m not calling you Father.
A of C: Okay. What about…”The Most Reverend Archbishop of Canterbury”? I’m also sometimes referred to as “The Most Reverend Father in God” on paper. And then there’s that other one they call me in the House of Lords. I can hardly bring myself to say it.
Author: Don’t say it then. Why don’t you just ask me the first question?
A of C: They refer to me as…and I can hardly bring myself to say it…”The Most Reverend…Primate”
Author: Primate? What as in monkey?
A of C: Yes! It smacks of Darwinism! The Most Reverend Monkey! The thing is Mark, people call me all sorts.
Author: I can very well believe that…Your Holiness
A of C: Aaaaargh! You can’t call me that you Papist bastard!
Author: Calm down and have some water. I’m not going to call you anything. Let’s just start the interview.
A of C: No, we need to sort it out Mark. I outrank everyone in the country except the Queen. You’ve got to call me something. But nothing upsetting.
Author: Tell you what. Why don’t we just go with whatever you sign your name as on letters and stuff? Time’s getting on a bit.
A of C: Good idea. Are you talking about official ones?
A of C: I usually sign Justin…I always forget the next bit…it’s Anglo-Saxon and begins with a “C”.
Author: You mean Latin. I doubt that it’s Anglo Saxon.
A of C: I remember! Cuntuar. Justin Cuntuar.
Author: I think you mean Cantuar. It’s Latin for Canterbury.
A of C: Yes, of course. You’re right. Justin Cantuar. Do you think that sounds a bit pretentious with the Latin and all that? I’m just an ordinary bloke really. Why don’t we shorten it to “Justin”?
Author: If you’re happy with Justin, then yes. So…Justin…what’s your first question?
A of C: Right. Yes, good. I was wondering how many books you’ve sold?
Author: Erm…not as many as I’d like but way more than I could have expected at this stage of my writing. I’m not sure that I want to reveal the exact number to you.
A of C: Aha! I thought as much! You tax-avoiding Papist bastard. There’s nothing worse than not paying your taxes. Do you know what else makes me angry?
Author: Look, I think we’re going off-track a bit here. Have another sip of water. You seem a bit uptight today Justin. Can we get on with the interview? This is taking much longer than I expected.
A of C: Yes, you’re right. Sorry Mark. Do you know how many books I sell by the way?
Author: Err…no. I didn’t know you were a writer. Which book?
A of C: Which book? Which fucking book?! There’s only one book worth reading Mark. The Good Book of course. Millions and millions and millions. That’s how many I’ve sold. Day in, day out. There’s more money in bibles than oil – that’s the reason I switched jobs.
Author: But it’s not your book, is it?
A of C: Oh. Isn’t it? Who’s getting all the money for it then? I thought I owned all the Jesus stuff and that. Somebody’s slipped up there. This is a major revenue stream that we’ve lost control of. Wouldn’t happen in the Oil Industry. Is it the Russians and the Chinese? Heads will fucking roll for this.
Author: Look I think we ought to do this another day when you’re feeling a bit calmer. Shall we call it a day for now Archbishop?
A of C: No, I can do this. Come on, give me another go at it. And please call me Justin.
Author: Okay. One last chance Justin. Now ask me a question from the list I gave you earlier.
A of C: Will all that be edited out by the way?
Author: All what?
A of C: All the stuff about the bible and that. I don’t want anyone to find out. People will think I’m useless, especially the Queen. Don’t tell the Queen.
Author: Well if she brings it up, I can hardly deny it can I?
A of C: Aaargh! You Papist bastard! You’re all the same you bloody lefty writer types! And I bet you like women and those other ones. Right! That’s it. I’m going to beat the shit out of you! We’ll do to you what we did to that blaspheming bastard, James Nayler. You won’t be able to say fuck all to anyone then.
Author: I think we should end the interview here. You’re becoming far too angry to continue.
A of C: Right. What I’m about to do next will be your fault, you vegetarian shitebag!
Author: Archbishop, put that choirboy down…
Next week: Her Majesty the Queen