Every Friday, the Author invites a celebrated guest to interview him about his work as he strives for literary success.
This week: Craig David talks about words…
CD: Thank you for agreeing to the interview today Mark.
Author: That’s okay David, it’s a pleasure.
CD: I’d prefer it if you’d use my Christian name.
Author: I did David.
CD: I’m Craig David. My name’s Craig.
Author: Oh I’m so sorry. It says David Craig here. I’ll give my PR people a bollocking. Please accept my sincere apologies Craig.
CD: Apology accepted.
Author: Right then, let’s get started. First question.
CD: Can I just say before we start that the name-changing stuff was a bit confusing for me.
Author: I’ve already said sorry. I thought we’d moved on from that?
CD: No, in the book I mean. I can’t remember which ones but a couple of the animals changed names at some point. I didn’t bother reading it after that. I got all confused with who was who.
Author: Oh, we’ve started. Right. Yes, that’s correct. A key theme of the series is the search for who we really are Dave.
Author: Yes, sorry. Craig. It’s an allegorical reference pointing towards the fact that none of us really know who we are most of the time. We all go through different periods in our lives and often become different people for the duration of that period. It’s how we define ourselves that can be the most difficult thing we face in life. Sometimes we’re parents, partners, husbands, wives, children and that’s not counting the different jobs we go through. But buried deep beneath it all is our “real self”. The one constantly struggling to get out and be heard. A central theme is that none of us really know anyone else properly, let alone ourselves.
CD: I’ve no idea what you’re on about Mark. That’s the problem with you writer types. You complicate everything so much that nobody knows what the fuck you’re on about. You won’t sell much that way.
Author: I’m not sure that’s a fair comment.
CD: How many records have I sold do you think?
Author: I don’t know…a hundred thousand? I don’t really know your stuff so I wouldn’t know.
CD: A hundred thousand?! A hundred fucking thousand?! Are you having a fucking laugh?! Millions. Millions and trillions and bazillions. Do you know why?
Author: No, but I’m sure you’re about to tell me Dave.
CD: Because I write simple words and not all that intellectual crap about wrong names and who the fuck is who. Look, this is what I use…simple.
Author: That’s just a diary Dave. Everyone’s got a diary. You’d be better off using the one on your phone.
CD: You see, you’re at it again. Getting all arty-farty, techy, fucking bollocky. You’re an intellectual cunt Mark. What did you do last Monday?
Author: I can’t remember. I’d have to look in my diary.
CD: Aha! There you go. You don’t know. Ask me. Go on.
Author: Ask you what?
CD: What I did last Monday.
Author: Okay, Dave…
Author: Sorry. Okay Craig, what did you do last Monday?
CD: I met this girl. Ask me what I did on the Tuesday.
Author: What did you do on the Tuesday? Can we get back to the interview Please?
CD: I took her for a drink. Ask me what I did on the Wednesday.
Author: Do I have to? Times getting on.
CD: Yes. I’m trying to help you here Mark. I’m going to show you how you can make shitloads of dosh with a simple diary.
Author: Okay. What did you do last Wednesday?
CD: I fucking smashed her. See how this works now? Ask me what I did for the rest of the week?
Author: I really don’t think this is helping.
CD: I know you don’t Mark and that’s why I’m trying to show you a different path to success. Ten minutes with the Craigster and you’ll be rolling in it. Go on, ask me.
Author: If I ask you, can we get back on with the interview?
CD: Yes, I promise. You’ll like this. Go on, ask me.
Author: Okay. What did you do for the rest of the week Dave?
CD: I carried on banging the fuck out of her. Thursday, Friday and Saturday. Fucking flipped her every way you can mate. Then just watched the football on Sunday according to my diary. And this is the clever bit Mark. The song’s called…wait for it…Seven Days! What I’m saying is that you don’t need to make writing words difficult for yourself.
Author: I’m not sure I like all that pejorative language.
CD: This is what I mean! You’re doing it again. What the fuck are you on about?
Author: The stuff about “banging the fuck out of her”. It’s not very nice.
CD: Well obviously I didn’t put that bit in did I? Making luuurv…This is rock and roll Mark. Fucking full-on shit and that. Honestly Mark, it really is a piece of piss. You just chuck any old crap in there alongside the odd big word to keep people interested.
Author: Big word? Such as?
CD: Neanderthal for a start. Fucking check me out or what.
Author: That word definitely isn’t in your song Dave. I think you’re getting muddled up with Sting’s song of the same name. He sings about Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. That’s called Seven Days as well. That’s definitely got Neanderthal in it.
CD: Oh fuck. This name stuff is confusing me. What have I been singing then? I just print a load of lyrics off the internet before I do a gig. Has that cunt ripped me off?! Let me check my diary.
Author: I think we should end the interview here. Dave, put that diary down…
Next week: Mo Farah lifts the carpet for answers…